"Some People Are So Touchy"

It appears that making Fat Jokes about oneself is not a common occurrence. Nor is it as funny to everyone else as it is to you. I mean, in my family, jokes about being fat or eating a lot just seem to flow freely. How else do you learn to accept who you are unless you skip right to the source of everyone else's picking point?
But, alas, I have come to realize that other people do not share in the frequent flow of fatty jokes. Here's the deal (a short story):

On Sunday afternoon, we had our Board Meeting for the FSG. At one point, one of the ladies was trying to take some action regarding some event we are working on. Another lady responded by telling her that the particular action she wanted to take should be done through me, and not by herself, as I am (one of)the Chair(s) of the group. Which she followed up with by saying: "You know, because she's the Chair and she's large and in charge." Now, I thought carefully about this for a few seconds. If it were a sitcom, this is the point where the voice in my head would say what I was about to say, and the other voice in my head would tell me it was an ok/socially acceptable comment. So I said it. I turned to her and said softly enough for only her to hear "Are you saying I'm fat?" Boy oh boy, I tell you it was like letting a fart rip in church!!! She got all huffy and was like "NO! That's not what I said at all. Eghhh!" The look on her face was priceless, as if I had offended her with my own Fat Joke.

Hence the title. "Some people are so touchy."

Now, be the first to tell me what movie THAT line came from, and a big fat Fatty Candy Bar will be waiting in your mailbox.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

This is what family life is supposed to be like. Sunday morning, letting the poor over-worked hubby sleep in for the first time in literally months. Then a trip to the donut shop for some coffees (because mommy forgot to buy milk), donuts, and a newspaper. Reading the newspaper while eating your donuts, checking out the houses that you wish you could own in the classifieds. Lots of rest and relaxation, dinner with some new friends planned for the night.

And it could all come crashing down at any minute, when I finally have to admit that lazy time is over. Soon I'll have to jump in the shower and head out to the FSG Board Meeting. At least it's at this cute little cafe in the grocery store. Who'dve thunk it, I know, but Big Y has a great Cafe in this particular store. To me, it seems to take the bite off of any stressful meetings we may have; people just seem more relaxed going into this place.

On another note, LAST NIGHT WAS SO MUCH FUN! If you've paid attention to my countdown, last night was Girl's Night (starting at The Mezz). The Mezz had the BEST food EVER! We had Cheese Fondue with Croutons for dipping, Crab Cakes, Meatballs and Peppers, and Chocolate Fondue for dessert. Plus some yummy drinks. I tried a sip of my friend's Mojito. Very yummy! And definitely a bonus to have fresh crushed mint as opposed to mint syrup. I think I'd prefer the drink only with fresh mint.
Anyways! After The Mezz we tooled around on the slots and the I actually played in the Poker Room!!! My friend Nik went too, but we were seated at different tables. I won $20! And then I blew it on the Double Downs. What a surprise.

Must go drink some coffee, try to get the sickly sweet feeling out of my mouth that the donuts left behind.

Contrary to Popular Belief...

Not all men can BBQ. Just ask my husband. Tonight was meant to be a night on the deck; marinted BBQ Chicken, Corn on the Cob, and Mashed Potatoes. Sounds yummy, right?

Only if you know how to cook the chicken. And only if you don't microwave your corn. If you know me at all, you know that I absolutely despise with all my heart any inkling of undercooked meat. I like my chicken so dry that I look like a dog trying to eat peanut butter when I choke it down. (You know, making that crazy "Cllggaaahhh claaggghhh" sound as my head jerks to the side violently) This chicken was oozing with juice, and quite clammy inside. After we decided not to eat it, I put it on the floor for the cats. They sniffed it and walked away. 'Nuff said. My son was in silent protest about the chicken from the start. Apparently it wasn't REAL chicken. Real chicken comes minced and breaded in a circular shape.

So tonight's dinner was basically Mashed Potatoes, because as I said the microwaved Green Giant Frozen-Corn-on-the-Cob just wasn't right either. Even though I followed the directions (after I found out my Pampered Chef Square Baker was Microwavable - Thanks Matt & Sara!).

Dessert, however, was the Ultimate Redemption. SMORES. Roasted Marshmallows on the grill, complete with Graham Crackers and Hershey's Chocolate. SOOOO hard to stop at two!!! And well worth the un-eaten chicken that left room in my belly!!!

Second Place Is No Place!

Ugh! I can't stand it anymore. I've been doing these tournaments, but all I can seem to win is Second Place. I just can't seem to get a good read on the other players, and most of them like to raise each hand heads up. It makes it very hard to tell what they have. And heads up is such s game of luck. I guess I should wait for a killer hand, and then take it all. However, in case you didn't know, I have a slight touch of ADD. I mean, I don't REALLY think I have it. I just get bored of playing quite quick. And having James running around like a mad man doens't help. So most of the time, I throw it all in hoping to catch a flush or straight or something, or win with my Ace High. Like I said, it's worked before, but doesn't always pay off. And this Second Place stuff is really getting old. Winning $0.75 vs. winning $2.50. Big difference. I guess I have to start playing with my A-Game. Patience and Attetion to detail.

A New Countdown!

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Me's A Busy Bee

Let's brag for a minute.

I've discovered a new passion in the World of Poker. Tournaments. Lately I've been in quite a few. And I have stumbled upon a brilliant strategy that has guaranteed me my money back almost every time (except 2). I'd wager a guess that I've been in at least 10 since about two weeks ago. I won enough to take out my second $20 from the Poker Site. And subsequently drop it into the OTHER site, where the Casino ate it, like last night's homework.

So I'd tell you my strategy but then I'd have to kill you. Just kidding. I can't tell you because then how would I use it against my brother's and Sister-In-Law(s - almost)?? Heh. You're all GOING DOWN! Like Love in an Elevator.


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Ok, I hemmed off the last topic. Time to sew some new fabric. Let's talk about Hillary Duff. Yikes! Has anyone seen Cheaper By The Dozen 2? A cute movie; I really enjoyed it. Steve Martin is great as the dad. Much alike his part in Father of the Bride (the man's got a knack for Family Comedy Re-makes!) And the storyline with the little girl and her first crush is just too cute. But poor, poor Hillary! She looks like she's trying to pretend to be Goldie Hawn trying to pretend she's 18. SOOO very scary. I like the old Hillary Duff. The "Really, I'm cuter then Lindsay" Hillary. Somebody bring her back please!!


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Know what I really hate? When people take the liberty of saying anything they want under the guise of "I'm just saying it like it is". Listen. If you're one of those people (and to my knowledge, none of you really are, but in case there's a random reader out there...) take my advice. It hurts. Yes, the truth hurts. Much like the saying goes. And that is why you shouldn't always speak it. I don't see why people consider it a commendable trait when someone just opens their insulting mouth and spews forth the "truth" (as they see it). What ever happened to commending a person who has tact? Someone who would say "The black pants were so much more flattering" rather than "Those white pants show off your cellulite." Like anyone wants to hear things like that. And, no one wants to hear things like "Well, maybe the next person they elect can do the job better than you" either. And if that's all you can think of to say, as someone's friend, then maybe you just shouldn't say anything. Trust me. Which reminds me of a song I found on my IPOD...

DOLLY PARTON lyrics - "Harper Valley P.T.A."
www.OldieLyrics.com

(Tom T. Hall)

I want to tell you all a story 'bout a Harper Valley widow wife

Who had a teenage daughter that attended Harper Valley Junior High

Well her daughter came home one afternoon and didn't even stop to play

And she said, "Mama, I've got a note here from the Harper Valley PTA"

Well the note says "Mrs. Johnson, you're wearing your dresses way too high

It's been reported you've been drinkin' and a runnin' round with men and goin' wild

Now we don't believe you ought to be a bringin' up your little girl this way"

And it was signed by the Secretary, Harper Valley PTA

Well it happened that the PTA was gonna meet that very afternoon

And boy, were they surprised as Mrs. Johnson wore her miniskirt into the room

And as she walked up to the blackboard I can still recall the word she had to say

She said "I'd like to address this meeting of the Harper Valley PTA

Now there's Bobby Taylor sittin' there and seven times he's asked me for a date

And Mrs. Taylor sure seems to use a lot of ice whenever he's away

And Mr. Baker can you tell us why your secretary had to leave this town

And shouldn't widow Jones be told to keep her window shades all pulled completely down

Now Mr. Harper couldn't be here 'cause he's stayed too long in Kelly's bar again

And if you smell Shirley Thompson's breath you'll find she's had a little nip of gin

And then you have the nerve to tell me as a mother you think that I ain't fit

Well this is just a little Payton place and you're all Harper Valley hypocrits

Now I wouldn't put you on because it really did, it happened just this way

That day my Mama socked it to the Harper Valley PTA

That day my Mama socked it to 'em at the Harper Valley PTA

Sometimes Feelings Get In The Way

In a previous posting, I went on and on about how miserable my Mother's Day was, as well as my Birthday. While it is true that I felt sad about how they transpired, I think maybe I showed a little too much of my hurt feelings. And sometimes, when your upset, you make other people upset by talking about it. Because you just don't use your best judgement when talking with your heart.

It's never my intention to use this Blog to make other people feel badly. I think I've said it before; it's more like I use it as therapy. But this isn't a therapist's office, right? Other people read what I write, and I should always be respectful of them. I hope I wasn't too harsh in that post, and I hope not to ever harsh be in the future.

I am so sick.

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A New Cim-ism!

I play too much Online Poker. We all know that.

Sometimes I thoroughly and completely believe that Online Poker sites are rigged. I know, I know it's lame. I've read tons of articles, and none of the Big Time Players believe it. But, mannnn I'll tell you what. Since I transferred out $20 last week, I haven't been able to win ANY time I've sat down. I've tried everything. Playing tight, playing loose. Bluffing, Slow Playing. I mean EVERYTHING! I honestly think that Pacific Poker flagged me or something for taking money out. They're punishing me with extremely bad hands!!

Also, it doesn't help that I have had some sure-to-win hands, right from the flop and no matter how much I bet, I can't get rid of some stinkin' guy who calls to the River and catches a hand that's one-better.

And now, I have a new Cim-ism because of that.

You got BoDog'd.

That's what you say from now on when someone steals something away from you that should have been yours from the start, or when you just plain get screwed out of a good thing. Happens all the time on BoDog, cause people bet on stupid crap. BoDog is the King Site for getting screwed out of a good hand.

So use my new Cim-ism with reckless abandon. In the future, I want to hear some random stranger in the mall saying it to their friend. That would be soooo cool.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Apparently my last Blog was subconsciously a bit too deep for me. Because I have noticed myself lately navigating conversations through a multitude of one-liners.

Funny, at my Niece's First Communion that my brother and sister-in-law and I had a chat about it. It's pretty much a genetic trait. And at my Cousin's Graduation, I realized just how true that is. Holy Cow, everyone was jsut full of 'em. I couldn't stop myself from doing the same.

Then last night at the FSG Meeting, I was doing it again! Yikes! I really am just a jumble of quips. Does it make people take me less seriously? Because I am also capable of having a sensitive, in-depth conversation.

Just so you know.

Am I Normal?

That's the first question of the day.

The second is: How many other directions could my life have taken?

Both are tied together through memories that I was forced to recall today. Forced is a strong word. But there isn't another I can think of. I was at Coffee, and we played a game of sorts. One where we had topics that we each wrote our responses to. Then we put the answers in a bucket, read them out loud and tried to guess who they belonged to. The topics were simple, and meant to reveal our "hidden" sides. You know, things like "How many one night stands?" "How many total?" "Age at First Time", "Craziest Place", and some innocent ones like "Maiden Name", "Favorite Movie", "First Car".

Yeah. Let's just say I am beginning to think I may not be in the majority. And I think it feels good. In the sense that it reaffirms my belief that despite the nagging voice in my head that says "You're not good enough..." , some more important part of me thinks I am. Because while I've enjoyed my life, and had some crazy fun times, there's nothing I am really ashamed of. Well, ok, maybe one thing. One long two year thing named "TIMMMMMAYYYY". Even my husband laughs about it and he never even met the guy. He was that bad. Again, for all you readers out there, WHY DIDN'T ANYONE EVER TELL ME?!?!?!?! Anyways, point is, it really seems like there are a lot of people who don't/didn't respect themselves. Or is it that they enjoyed their youth with far more reckless abandon than I could ever muster? I think it's a little of both. I think that in order to have wild reckless abandon, you have to feel a need for more love than you're getting, more attention than you receive. You have to feel like you're still searching for somewhere to belong, and your quest is a validation for the actions that you take.

Blah blah blah blah blah. I am just a prude in rebel's clothing. The reason I was so "good" is that I am just all talk and no action. The ideas excited me but the consequences scared me more. CCD worked for me. (Thank You St. John's!!)

Now, let's think about all the things I could have done that I didn't do. And who would I be today if I had done even some of them? Like everyone, I wonder if I had done this scandalous thing or that, would I have a happy life like I do right now? I know I whine a bit but in all honesty, who doesn't? Essentially, my life is as good as it gets. But would some other action have made it even better? Have you ever been somewhere and done or not done something and thought to yourself:

"If this were a Sci-Fi movie, this is the part where it would split into Parallel Universes..."

I know, technically, every moment is like that if you believe in Parallel Universes. But some are just so much more obvious than others, that you even stop to imagine (or get a peek at????) that other life. And is it really better? In this life, would you go back if you could and do it the other way? I don't think I would. But the geek in me wishes I could tell Scotty to "Beam me up" so I could see my other lives. The ones I have stopped to imagine. The few moments in my life that I wish I could take back, and do differently. For me, they are so few and so poignant that I can almost see with perfect clarity the way things might have been different.

Ahhh, but what if there is no such thing as different? What if no matter what you do, you end up where you were meant to go? What if there is only one life you were meant to have in the end? What if nothing really changes the end result, like how you can add up numbers this way or that, but they always come out to the same sum. You can't change what 1+2+3+4 equals. In the same way, maybe you can't change what your life was meant to become. Maybe all you can do is arrange the numbers differently...